Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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