if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.