You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.