Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
