i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
