I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
