The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
