If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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