Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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