Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
they need to just BURY HIM!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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