6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
