You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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