Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
