You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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