So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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