My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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