Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
