I puked a lego.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
