I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
