Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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