If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
