you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
