I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
