I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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