I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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