he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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