I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
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anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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