anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
