At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
