y did u give ur computer a hand job?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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