Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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