I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Randomize
