idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Drunk is a universal language darling
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
