bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's the barista slut.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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