y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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