Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
