hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
