lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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