i would punch a child for taco bell
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
