Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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