Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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