I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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