Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
