Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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