I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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