Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She bit a glass in half.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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