I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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