No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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