my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
