Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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