remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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