They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
