thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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