What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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